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Cover of Women Decoded: A Man's Survival Handbook, a comic-style board book

Unranked on every bestseller list. In stock in my garage.

Women Decoded

A Man's Survival Handbook

A 28-page board book that translates what she actually said. Three real entries:

“One sec.”
This could take anywhere from a minute to an hour.
“Probably.”
It’s a definite no, but I’m being polite.
“Okay, sure.”
It’s not actually okay, and I’m waiting to see how this turns out.

There are 26 pages of these, A to Z. See the pages

Buy — from $18

1 for $18  ·  2 for $29  ·  3 for $39  ·  free shipping

Also on Amazon for $18.99 if that is easier.

28 pagesComic-book style
6 x 8 inchesThick board book
Ships freeUSPS, 2–5 days

People buy this for

Stocking stuffers White elephant Bachelor parties Groomsman gifts Father’s Day Secret Santa Birthdays A husband who says she seemed fine

What the inside looks like

Real pages, real book. Thicker than people expect.

Buy — from $18

How many do you need

Free shipping on all of them, with no minimum. One box, however many books.

1 copy

$18

$18.00 each

For one specific person you have already thought of.

Buy 1 — $18
Best value per copy

2 copies

$29

$14.50 each

One to give, one to keep. Or two people who both need it.

Buy 2 — $29

3 copies

$39

$13.00 each

Three people you know have earned this. You know which three.

Buy 3 — $39

10 copies

$99

$9.90 each

White elephant, groomsmen, the office holiday party.

Buy 10 — $99

Free shipping on every order, at every size. Ships USPS within 1–2 business days: 2–5 days nationwide, 1–2 days around Sacramento. Prefer Amazon? Single copies are there for $18.99, though multi-packs are only sold here.

Prices include any applicable California sales tax. Nothing gets added at checkout — the price you see is the price you pay. Card payments are handled by QuickBooks.

Want more than 10?

Past ten copies it gets its own pricing. Shops, offices, weddings, conferences, and events all land here. Tell me roughly how many and whether you want them shipped or picked up, and I will send numbers back.

Local to Sacramento? That is easier and cheaper for both of us.

Email about 10+ copies Bulk & retail details

When people actually buy this

It is an impulse gift. These are the moments it gets bought for.

Stocking stuffers

Six by eight inches and cheaper than most of the wrapping paper it ends up under. It fits a stocking, and it fits a gift bag you already own.

White elephant

Cheap enough to clear the usual $20 limit, funny enough to get stolen twice before the round ends. It is the one that gets opened and read out loud.

Secret Santa at the office

For the coworker you drew and do not know well. It is a joke rather than a statement, which is exactly what you want when you have to hand it over in front of everyone.

Bachelor parties & groomsman gifts

It reads well out loud at a table of men who are about to make promises. Ten copies is $99, which covers most wedding parties.

Father’s Day and birthdays

For a dad who has been decoding this material for thirty years without a manual. Also for the husband, boyfriend, brother, or son who keeps saying she seemed fine.

The coffee table

It sits out and gets picked up by every guest who walks past it. Whether that is a feature or a warning depends on who is visiting.

Buy — from $18

What Buyers Said

Three of them, unedited.

“Women Decoded reads like a 1950's comic book, with witty responses to common conversations with your spouse or significant other. As we age, wisdom is grown on us from all our experiences, good and bad. For my own reasons and experiences, this book couldn't be more truthful. And that's what makes this the perfect gift for the boys turning into men.”

DuraMtrAmazon Customer

“I purchased the book directly from the seller. This is such a fun book to give for a birthday, holiday or engagement party! Everytime I flip through it, I notice another phrase that I often use. The definitions are spot on! My personal favorite is “K. - This single letter is loaded with more attitude than an entire paragraph.” So true!!”

MeghanCustomer

“The book quality is great and the content is hilarious. It's a perfect for-fun gift or to have lying around to entertain guests. Each page gives a good laugh and I'd definitely recommend it!”

ChadAmazon Customer

Reviews are still coming in. So far every one on Amazon has been five stars, which is easier to manage when there are not many of them yet.

Read them on Amazon

Buy — from $18

Free shipping on every order. 1–2 days around Sacramento, 2–5 days nationwide.

Frequently Asked Questions

Everything you need to know about Women Decoded

Can I buy more than one?

Yes, and it costs less per copy. Two for $29, three for $39, ten for $99. They go in one box, which is the only reason the discount exists. See the packs.

How much is shipping?

Nothing. Shipping is free on every order, at every pack size, with no minimum to hit. It is already in the price. Ships USPS from Sacramento within 1–2 business days, and lands in 1–2 days locally or 2–5 days everywhere else in the US.

Is tax added at checkout?

No. The price on this page is what your card is charged. Any California sales tax is already inside it, and shipping is free, so there is nothing added at the last step.

I want more than 10, for an event or a shop.

Then email me and skip the buttons. Anything past ten gets its own pricing, and if you are anywhere near Sacramento I can usually just hand them to you. Bulk and retail details.

Is this actually a real book or just a gag?

It’s both. It looks like a joke — but it’s a real, high-quality printed book. 28 pages, glossy pages, made to last (unlike some relationships).

What size is the book?

It’s 6x8 inches — small enough to read in one sitting, big enough to make an impact.

What if I don’t like it?

If it arrives damaged or you’re not happy, email us and we’ll make it right. We stand by our paper and our punchlines.

Is it safe to give this to my wife or girlfriend?

Only if she has a sense of humor. But honestly, most women laugh harder than the men — because they know it’s all true.

Still have questions?

We’re happy to help with anything you’re curious about.

Contact Us
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